cowsay_intro_for_bash/sprueche.txt

186 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
Raw Permalink Blame History

This file contains invisible Unicode characters

This file contains invisible Unicode characters that are indistinguishable to humans but may be processed differently by a computer. If you think that this is intentional, you can safely ignore this warning. Use the Escape button to reveal them.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words<br>since I first called my brother's father dad.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
You are the only person to ever get this message.
Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when<br> you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?<br>A: A howdah duty.
April 1<br><br>This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three<br>hundred and sixty-four.<br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
There's small choice in rotten apples.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)<br> -- by Charles Dickens<br><br> A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.<br><br>The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)<br> -- by Franz Kafka<br><br> A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.<br><br>Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)<br> -- by J. R. R. Tolkien<br><br> Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.<br><br>Hamlet LITE(tm)<br> -- by Wm. Shakespeare<br><br> A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy<br> girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?<br>A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?<br>A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?<br>A: A dinner party.
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
What I tell you three times is true.<br> -- Lewis Carroll
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of<br>24 hours.<br> -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.<br> -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.<br> -- Ashleigh Brilliant
You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I<br>will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all<br>Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they<br>teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!<br> -- Charles Dickens
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
Break into jail and claim police brutality.
You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.<br> -- Mark Twain
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't<br>understand his own meaning.<br> -- George D. Prentice
Patch griefs with proverbs.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Talkers are no good doers.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Don't hate yourself in the morning&nbsp;-- sleep till noon.
Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?<br>A: To get to the middle.
Every cloud engenders not a storm.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.<br><br>Buy the negatives at any price.
You now have Asian Flu.
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed<br>down-stairs a step at a time.<br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt<br>is concerned.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining<br>and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.<br> -- Mark Twain
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
It is a wise father that knows his own child.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.<br> -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so<br>get used to it.
"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I<br>know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must<br>be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people<br>I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."<br> -- Bastian B. Bux
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
You have a truly strong individuality.
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?<br>A: Because that was her name.
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--<br>I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.<br>But now I think a thought that brings me hope:<br>Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.<br> -- Justin Richardson.
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be<br>sorry.<br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You will be surrounded by luxury.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of<br>the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at<br>her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic<br>Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my<br>steel through your last meal!'<br> -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man<br>who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that<br>there were too many prehistoric toads in it.<br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't<br>really worth having.
October.<br><br>This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.<br><br>The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,<br>December, August, and February.<br><br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.<br> -- Mark Twain
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: None. We'll fix it in software.<br><br>Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: None. The application can work around it.<br><br>Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: None. We'll document it in the manual.<br><br>Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: None. The user can figure it out.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Let me take you a button-hole lower.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
Must I hold a candle to my shames?<br> -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is<br>in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot<br>stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that<br>is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.<br> -- Mark Twain
Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?<br>A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted<br> my dissertation to rhyme.
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd<br>And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;<br>The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth<br>And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.<br>These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.<br> -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and<br> plays like a monkey?<br>A: Nothing.
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?<br>A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of<br> speech, but under the United States constitution they are<br> guaranteed freedom after speech.<br> -- being told in Poland, 1987
There was a phone call for you.
"Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?"<br><br>"Good afternoon. I'd like a FrintArms HandCannon, please."<br><br>"A--? Oh, now, that's an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I<br>mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I<br>say they have a right to. But I think... I might... Let's have a look<br>down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are!<br>Look at that, isn't it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well,<br>but it's what's called a laser&nbsp;-- a light-pistol some people call<br>them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won't<br>spoil the line of a jacket; and you won't feel you're lugging half a<br>tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories,<br>including&nbsp;-- if I may say so&nbsp;-- a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I<br>got to do the fitting for that! Ha&nbsp;-- just my little joke. And<br>there's <b>even</b>... here we are&nbsp;-- this special presentation pack: gun,<br>charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster<br>with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your<br>next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free<br>lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there's the <b>special</b><br>presentation pack; it has all the other one's got but with <b>two</b><br>charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that&nbsp;-- don't<br>worry, it's a dummy battery&nbsp;-- isn't it neat? Feel how light it is?<br>Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, <b>and</b><br>beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there's<br>no recoil. Because it's shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun,<br>beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That's not a line, she<br>really has. Now, I can do you that one&nbsp;-- with a battery and a free<br>charge&nbsp;-- for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special<br>offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for<br>one-forty-nine."<br><br>"I'll take the special."<br><br>"Sound choice, madam, <b>sound</b> choice. Now, do--?"<br><br>"And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three<br>six-five AP/wire-fl'echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a<br>Special Projectile Pack if you have one&nbsp;-- the one with the embedding<br>rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is<br>compatible?"<br><br>"Aah... yes, And how does madam wish to pay?"<br><br>She slapped her credit card on the counter. "Eventually."<br><br> -- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a<br>creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely<br>a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the<br>bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.<br>Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact<br>that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth<br>to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the<br>very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more<br>afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by<br>an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam<br>as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and<br>put him at the head of the procession.<br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You will be run over by a bus.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the<br>party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith<br>agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed<br>from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed<br>upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of<br>the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating<br>at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of<br>the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the<br>second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the<br>parties.<br> The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be<br>limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without<br>elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other<br>means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party<br>of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered<br>non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part<br>becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall<br>have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner<br>consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.<br>Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part<br>shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall<br>occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in<br>step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation<br>should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.<br>The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the<br>first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to<br>produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
The Least Successful Collector<br> Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She<br>was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had<br>amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the<br>works of Shakespeare.<br> One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond<br>legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The<br>remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.<br> The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned<br>the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the<br>French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.<br> -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,<br>so I woke up from sheer boredom.
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and<br> New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?<br>A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your aim is high and to the right.
Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has<br> to really want to change.
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb<br> itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective<br> reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a<br> maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.<br> -- Mark Twain
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
The Public is merely a multiplied "me."<br> -- Mark Twain
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long<br>as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks<br>into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is<br>a matter of discretion.<br> -- Corwin, Prince of Amber
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
You will triumph over your enemy.
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from<br>the mouths of people who have had to live.<br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,<br>his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the<br>worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one<br>day like any other day, only shorter.<br> -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is<br>nothing but cabbage with a college education.<br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.<br> -- Mark Twain
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.<br> -- Mark Twain
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring<br> light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot<br> to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for<br> reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break<br> the bulb in the first place.
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to<br>a new town.
Stay the curse.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
He was part of my dream, of course&nbsp;-- but then I was part of his dream too.<br> -- Lewis Carroll
Q: What's a light-year?<br>A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
English literature's performing flea.<br> -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt<br>of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He<br>brought death into the world.<br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.<br> -- Mark Twain
Your present plans will be successful.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.<br> -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.<br> -- Mark Twain
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21<br>A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.<br>Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
The mind is its own place, and in itself<br>Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.<br> -- John Milton
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,<br>each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall<br>was a gate.<br> -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"<br><br> [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when<br> referring to system overview.]<br>
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?<br>A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.<br><br>Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?<br>A: There's a footprint in the mayo.<br><br>Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?<br>A: There's two footprints in the mayo.<br><br>Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?<br>A: The door won't shut.<br><br>Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?<br>A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
There are more things in heaven and earth,<br>Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.<br> -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
All generalizations are false, including this one.<br> -- Mark Twain
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more<br>deadly in the long run.<br> -- Mark Twain
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then<br>turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a<br>bender this time&nbsp;-- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last<br>night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British<br>aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'<br> -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton<br> bad fiction contest.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students<br> does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my<br> advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he<br> can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the<br> credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Is this really happening?
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
You will contract a rare disease.
Tempt not a desperate man.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
So this is it. We're going to die.
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn<br>365 useless things.
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
The only people for me are the mad ones&nbsp;-- the ones who are mad to live,<br>mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,<br>the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn<br>like fabulous yellow Roman candles.<br> -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?<br>A: To get to the other slide.
Reply hazy, ask again later.
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has<br>shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old<br>Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred<br>thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the<br>Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is<br>something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of<br>conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.<br> -- Mark Twain
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't<br>have a lucky day this year.
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted<br>armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.<br> -- Ernest Hemingway
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.<br> -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
Your goose is cooked.<br>(Your current chick is burned up too!)
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made<br>school boards.<br> -- Mark Twain
You are going to have a new love affair.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.<br> -- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You will have a long and boring life.
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4<br>A: Go west, young man, go west!<br>Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the<br>department of transportation.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Your business will assume vast proportions.
Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?<br>A: The very best person they can possibly be.
You should go home.
Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?<br>A: Throw him a rock.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.<br> -- Mark Twain
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is<br>weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and<br>weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,<br>but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,<br>he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.<br> -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has<br>only nine lives.<br> -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!<br> -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.<br> -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."<br> -- Mark Twain
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."<br> -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"